BENE GESSERIT LITANY AGAINST FEAR

LITANY AGAINST FEAR
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear - From Frank Herbert's Dune Book Series
© 1965 and 1984 Frank Herbert
Published by Putnam Pub Group
ISBN: 0399128964


The Litany Against Fear was an incantation spoken by by those who faced danger or fear during their everyday lives. It helped to focus their minds in times of peril.

I came across this incantation when I happened to be looking for motivation, inspiration and encouragement for my runs. Although it is not that I am afraid of my surroundings or the actual physical act of running when I am running, what I am afraid of are the thoughts that run through my head as I run ... thoughts such as, "I must look crazy," or "I'm running too slow." "Am I going to finish? How am I going to make it to the end?" Or how about this one, "I must be out of my mind to think that I could take this on!" And so forth and so on. It is my thought process that causes me to falter and slow down. I am my harshest critic, my own worst enemy. In reality, no one is really paying that much, if any attention to me.

Fear pushes what you want/desire away from you. What I found about the litany is that it calmed me. It allows me to refocus and reset my thinking. I believe that I am a strong individual spiritually, mentally, and physically. I believe that I have a mental toughness, a very strong will, and an unfaltering faith that many would envy, but there are times when I feel "weak," and once my negative thinking starts it's all downhill ... =[ It is at this time that I dig deep to find something to reset my brain/thinking. First I smile (even if it's a fake smile) then I start to tell myself positive things until I believe it. For I belive and know that I can do anything ... I just have to let go of the fear ...

Sometimes You Wonder

Sometimes you wonder ...

Who am I?

What am I doing here?

What's my purpose?

WTH?

WTF?

Why?

Why me?

Why not me?

How far?

What do I have to do?

What am I supposed to be doing?

I don't get it ...

You pray. You hope. You dream. You wish. You intend. You create. You try. You work. You work harder. You cry. You scream. You run. You stop. You take a minute to catch your breath. You breathe. You sigh. You keep on going, doing what you need to do, or what it is that you think that you need to be doing. But still ...

Sometimes you wonder ...

Is it enough?

What else do I need to do?

What else can I do?

What are the right words to say?

Who?

What?

Where?

When?

How?

Why?

When is enough, enough?

When do you know that the questions that you have, have been answered?

Is there really a God? If so, where is (s)he, and how do I know if it's truly (her)him? I desire concrete, tangible proof ... how would I even know?

What do I need to be doing at this exact moment in time?

Where am I?

Where do I need to be?

Am I where I am supposed to be?

Am I lying? Or am I being honest? How would you know? How would I know?

Is this the life I'm supposed to be living?

Am I really who I am supposed to be?

Am I really who I think I am? Or am I just a figment of my own imagination?

I know that these are questions that we ask ourselves (or that I ask myself) all the time ... but I want to know because sometimes I wonder ...

Getting Fitter

I am your average, everyday, extraordinary girl. I'm a happily married, mother of four who is passionate about fitness. I'm certain that I hit the ground running from the time I exited that birth canal and haven't stopped since!!! I am a Registered Nurse working in a busy Emergency Room and know the devastating effects of lack of proper diet and exercise.

So with all this great background, why bother to write a blog on fitness and weight loss? Am I not fit enough already?

My story is like that of many others ... I have ALWAYS been a fitness buff - runner, kickboxer, martial artist, gym rat. I have always been in good shape, however I have a fondness for food, particularly bread and pastries, that has led me to become what I consider "skinny fat." I'm one of those women who appear very fit and buff in my clothing, but in reality when those articles of clothing come off, I am "soft." It's the "softness" that I have difficulties with.

I get motivated, yet discouraged when I look at the women in magazines. I see their "perfection" and forget that they have been airbrushed and fluffed by others until they shine. It got me thinking about a conversation that I had with one of my old friends about women and magazines.

Does anyone know what the difference is when you look at women who are in magazines such as Vogue, or Madamoiselle, and women who are in magazines such as Playboy? Women who are in fashion magazines are women who are chosen by other women. Women who are in magazines such as Playboy or Sports Illustrated, are women who are chosen by men. Which magazine would you rather be in? The women who are in magazines chosen by other women, are women who are thinner, taller, and who are NOT realistic. The women who are in magazines who are chosen by men, are more apt to represent real women. Think about it - these women are curvier. Most men don't want skinny women - they don't want to be with a fatty either, but more like "real" women. You heard me right ... I'm talking about normal, average women with real bodies, and curves, and even softness.

I know that if you asked my husband, he would tell you that I am great the way that I am. He would tell you that my body is perfect to him.

It's my eyes that have the difficulties with what I see when I look in the mirror. To those who look at me, they see me as that fit, buff woman that I long to see. I can only see the soft. When people workout with me at the gym, they see me working hard - running, lifting, sweating, and encouraging my partner. They don't hear the voices in my head trying to convince me that I'm tired, that I can stop any time now, or that I'm hungry and need to go eat that pastry because I deserve it.

The bottom line is: I am getting in my own way. I am the only thing stopping me from achieving my fitness goals. My problem lies within my own mind. I hear a voice that tells me that I'm too fat, or too thick in the thighs, etc. I see a different version of myself than what everyone else sees when I look in the mirror. My mind can play some really nasty tricks on me, or tell me some really untrue things about myself. Why is it so hard for me to just love me as I am? What will happen when I finally get those thinner thighs or tighter butt? I'll find something else to try and "fix."

I am NOT striving to be thin, model like, or anorexic. I have absolutely NO desire to be anorexic or waif-like. I am striving to be a healthier, stronger, fitter, leaner version of myself. I desire to be strong and lean. I am already strong ... now to just lean out!

All of this IS possible all because I DO believe in myself. Let me push my negative self out of the way. As it is written, it is already done. Look out world, here comes the Real Row.!!!

Running For Dad ...

This is something that I sent out last year in preparation for a marathon that I ran in memory of my father, and to commemorate my turning 40. I wanted to remember what I wrote so I put it in this blog ... I miss my father very much, and think of him often ... especially on those long, long lonely runs where I just don't think that I'm going to make it ...

To My Dearest Family and Friends ...

This October 2008, Row.'s turning 40 (ooooohhhh!) and to celebrate I will be running my very first marathon ever! I have done several endurance events in the past, but none as significant or as important as this one.

At the urging of my husband, Chris, I signed up to run the San Francisco Nike Women's Marathon in early March. As it was a lottery, I signed up never imaging that I would be selected. No longer can I claim that I have never won the lottery. Being one of 20,000 lucky selected lottery winners of this marathon, I will be running on Sunday, October 19th in memory of my Beloved Father, Alex Qunitua, whom many of you know passed away this past Valentine's day from complications of leukemia.

My Dad was a man who enjoyed life, and loved his family and friends. He fought his disease with much determination and heart, and very little complaint. My father knew this disease inside and out, constantly researching and asking questions, reading literature, and seeking the advice of multiple physicians. My Father, being of strong Catholic faith, prayed also ... he prayed not only for himself, but for his family, for a miracle, and for a cure. My Father wanted so much to live, and he believed that he would overcome. And he did ... my Father lived for four years after his initial diagnosis. He was a man with a big heart and an equally big smile. He believed that much was possible and he lived his life to the fullest.

I know that many of you believe that 26.2 miles is a long way to run, but I can do this for my Dad. The fight that my Father fought with Leukemia was so much harder than my undertaking of running a marathon. I thoroughly and truly believe that my Dad will be with me as I cross that finish line, and that it will be a life-changing moment for myself. I only wish that my Father's finish line could have been a different one.

The Nike Women's Marathon is a race that benefits the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) and raises funds to help find cures for leukemia, lymphoma, and myeloma. In honor of my Father, I am fundraising for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society (LLS). I know that these are tough financial times, but if you can help me in raising funds for this organization, please make your checks out to the "Leukemia Lymphoma Society" (Please write "MCH/RWallen" or "In Memory Of Alex Quintua" in your memo line). Whatever amount you can give is appreciated immensely. You can mail the checks to me or you can donate online at http://www.active.com/donate/mch2005/mchRWALLEN.

Many thanks to all of you for all of your support.

Row. ; )

I Asked My Children ...

1. What is something mom always says to you?
Samuel: "Get off the couch and go do something!"
Nathan: "Nathan, pick up your plate/socks/shoes/stuff!"
Noah: "That she loves me."
Grace: "Knock it off!!!"

2. What makes mom happy?
Samuel: "Chocolate, purple things, reading, writing."
Nathan: "Being with her family."
Noah: "I do."
Grace: "When I bring her a Pepsi."

3. What makes mom sad?
Samuel: "Grandpa Alex."
Nathan: "When her family is being mean."
Noah: "When a relative dies."
Grace: "When I don't bring her a Pepsi."

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
Samuel: "She says DUMB stuff. LOL."
Nathan: "By saying funny things."
Noah: "She tells jokes."
Grace: "She tickles me."

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Samuel: "The same that she is now?! How am I supposed to know, I wasn't alive."
Nathan: "She had big, giant hair."
Noah: "I don't know, she never told me."
Grace: "Small."

6. How old is your mom?
Samuel: "Young."
Nathan: "40 years old."
Noah: "40."
Grace: "40."

7. How tall is your mom?
Samuel: "Short."
Nathan: "4ft. 10/11 in."
Noah: "A little taller than me."
Grace: "She's little."

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Samuel: "Read, workout."
Nathan: "Go to the gym."
Noah: "Run, exercise."
Grace: "Ride her bike, run, play."

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Samuel: "Work."
Nathan: "Sleep or go to the gym."
Noah: "I don't know."
Grace: "Goes to work."

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Samuel: "Her memoirs."
Nathan: "For finishing a big marathon first with a record time."
Noah: "Running."
Grace: Unable.

11. What is your mom really good at?
Samuel: "Cooking!!!"
Nathan: "Running."
Noah: "Running."
Grace: "Playing games."

12. What is your mom not very good at?
Samuel: "Dancing."
Nathan: "Swimming."
Noah: "Break dancing."
Grace: Unable.

13. What does your mom do for her job?
Samuel: "Nursing."
Nathan: "She is an ER Nurse at .. (that place that shall remain nameless)."
Noah: "She's a nurse."
Grace: "She fixes people."

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
Samuel: "IDK. Chocolate chip ice cream?"
Nathan: "I am not sure."
Noah: "I would have to say salad."
Grace: "Rice and soup."

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
Samuel: "She takes care of 4 kids and works two jobs."
Nathan: "She saves lives every day."
Noah: "That she runs."
Grace: Unable.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Samuel: "Speedy Gonzales!"
Nathan: "Road Runner."
Noah: "The Road Runner."
Grace: "Dora, Dora."

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Samuel: "Eat, sit, play Bejeweled."
Nathan: "Watch movies."
Noah: "Sing in the car."
Grace: "We talk, play, and eat."

18. How are you and your mom the same?
Samuel: "Skin color! Reading."
Nathan: "We both run a lot."
Noah: "Well, people say that we look the same."
Grace: "We're girls."

19. How are you and your mom different?
Samuel: "She's older, and I don't like to work out. And she's a girl!"
Nathan: "She's a girl and I'm a boy."
Noah: "She's older."
Grace: Unable.

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Samuel: "She works, and she picks me up from school, and she gives me money!"
Nathan: "She says it a lot and she shows it."
Noah: "She tells me."
Grace: "She kisses me."

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Samuel: "Barnes and Noble!!!"
Nathan: "To the gym."
Noah: "The gym."
Grace: "To sleep!"

I've Become a New Blogger

It's happened ... I've always been a writer of my thoughts and feelings, and now I've decided to make some of it public. I'm not exactly sure why, but I'm thinking that now is the time.



At any one given moment in time, there are several if not a gazillion thoughts running through my head. Most times they're logged on paper kept somewhat safe in my journal, other times they're kept in check and inside my head.



This is the life of Row. My life, out in the open ... only a select few thoughts. Be thankful that I'm even considering sharing as much as I will, because I'm not one to share much of anything, especially my thoughts and feelings so openly.

Let's see how this goes ... I have so much to say, sometimes so little paper, sometimes so little time, sometimes so little patience.

Ready to go on a ride? Hold on, it's gonna be a "wild" one ... well, as "wild" as it's gonna be for Row. Let's goooo .....